


Feared.

by jpetrakis



Series: Fear [1]
Category: Glee
Genre: Bullying, Closeted Character, Gen, Inner Dialogue, Self-Harm, Slurs, Sort Of, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-11-11
Updated: 2010-11-11
Packaged: 2020-02-29 17:47:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18783109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jpetrakis/pseuds/jpetrakis
Summary: This was written almost immediately after episode 2x06, "Never Been Kissed", in 2011. Aftermath of the episode told from Karofsky's point of view.originally posted on ff.net





	Feared.

 

_You can't like him. He's a total fag._

_Stop._

_Stop it._

_Just stop it!_

Dave Karofsky had done the unthinkable. He had actually swapped spit with Kurt "The Homo" Hummel. Karofsky rethought that thought; It wasn't really swapping spit. I mean, he was doing most of the work. Kurt was just standing there.

Karofsky had skipped his next class and spent the entire class period sulking in the downstairs locker room. He decided to use the shower and tried to wash the gay off him. It didn't really help, though.

He mentally kicked himself as he stormed down the halls, shoving lesser kids away from him. He guessed that class was let out a little early. He could feel hot tears welling up, but he couldn't cry.

Not here.

He had to maintain his image. The image of being a fearless man, whom others feared.

Karofsky slammed open the boys' bathroom door and quickly pushed every stall door open. No one else was in the bathroom.

_Good._

Karofsky looked at himself in the mirror and all he saw was a disgusting piece of shit. After what he had just done, even looking at himself in the mirror made him sick to his stomach. His eyes were glossy, no doubt about ready to spill some tears; his face was red hot, either from embarrassment or humiliation. Although he was almost certain they both meant the same thing.

_God, I'm such an idiot!_

He was scared. Scared of the rejection, scared of word getting out about this, scared of himself. Was he really... Gay? Karofsky twisted the knob on the sink carelessly, cupping his hands under the cool running water. He quickly splashed the water onto his face, calming himself down a bit. He looked in the mirror again. He had blinked away the tears and his face was no longer its previous beet red.

The heavy-set hockey player leaned over the still-running sink, calmly exhaling, though his breath still a little shaky. He was trembling.

 _I kissed Kurt Hummel. I kissed a_ guy _._

Karofsky peered up at his own reflection again. All he could see was an embarrassing, ugly _fag_. He groaned out of frustration and clenched his teeth as he punched the mirror. The mirror broke upon contact, a few pieces falling into the sink. Karofsky looked at his bloodied hand and just stared at his knuckles for a few seconds.

_This is what the blood of a gay guy looks like._

Karofsky quickly looked back up at the mirror and instead of seeing the reflection of one gay football player, he saw the reflection of a dozen gay football players. The mirrors had been broken and shifted to reflect in different directions and it just made Karofsky angrier. He ignored the stinging pain from his right hand and punched the mirror once more, and then again-- each punch sending more and more pieces of mirror shattering to the ground. It didn't take long before the noise attracted some attention.

A very tall student entered the bathroom, followed by a handful of lesser teens. Once they caught a glimpse of what was going on, the littler and more frightful student bolted right back into the halls.

"Karofsky?" the tall student called out. Karofsky diverted his attention away from the broken mirrors and looked at the guy standing on the other side of the bathroom. It took him a moment to register who it was. But after looking at the number five jersey, he knew who it was. QB Finn Hudson.

"What're  _you_ doing in here?" Karofsky scowled. He looked behind the tall football player and saw other students starting to crowd around out of curiosity.

Finn sort of half-chuckled, as if what Karofsky said was a joke. "Dude, everyone in the halls can hear you. There will be teachers storming in here any minute now." Finn's line of sight moved from Karofsky's face to his bloodied hand. "You, uh, beating up on the mirror there? I think it's winning."

Karofsky just grunted a response to Finn before running his hand under the running water. The cool touch of the water stung at his fresh wounds, but Karofsky couldn't show any kind of weakness to the fruitcake in front of him. He clenched his teeth together and exhaled sharply through his nose before shutting off the water and pushing past Finn and the other students, exiting the boys' restroom. He stormed down the halls, face dripping with water. He looked at the staring students he passed and growled at them, warning them to stop their staring. They knew better and looked away, just as Karofsky knew it would work. But still, he could feel their staring eyes on his back as he walked away.

_They know._

Karofsky had to find Kurt Hummel. People probably wouldn't believe Kurt if he'd told other people considering Karofsky's higher power in the school as an athlete, but he couldn't take the chances of even a rumor starting.

It would blow his cover.

The warning bell clanged and resonated through the hallways as loudly as possible. This meant Karofsky only had five minutes to track down Kurt and set him straight. Unless he wanted to wait until free period, but Kurt would no doubt retreat to the Glee club.

He quickly dashed down the hallways, running by so quickly that he even ignored a teacher's warning not to run. He rounded a corner and stopped dead in his tracks when a certain _homo_  had come into his field of vision. Kurt was standing only a few yards away, talking to two of his Glee friends at their locker. Why couldn't Karofsky move?

_Shit. I found him, but I don't know what to say to him. I can't call him out to speak with him in private._

Karofsky decided to go for it anyway. Maybe if he was really chill about everything, Kurt would agree to talking with him. He started walking slowly towards Kurt, his courage building up as he got closer. His walking speed got a little faster as he got closer, close enough for Kurt to take notice of the approaching hockey jock.

Karofsky could see the color leave Kurt's face, his smile from talking with his friends now replaced with a frown and eyes full of fear. This was what Kurt thought about when he saw Karofsky; he was afraid.

Karofsky stopped right in front of Kurt, his confident grin had diminished into a distasteful frown.

"What do  _you_  want, Karofsky?" Kurt spat, replacing his fear with his usual pride and courage. God, how Karofsky hated how Kurt could stand up to him-- to be so proud of who he was. Though, Karofsky loved seeing Kurt all riled up and showing off his emotions. Karofsky just wished he could see other emotions other than angry or hurt.

Karofsky punched the locker next to him, leaving a slight dent in the door. " _That's_  gonna be your face if I ever hear you saying  _anything_  about me. Ever."

Kurt's friend, whose name escaped Karofsky's mind at that time but was otherwise named "The Wheelchair Kid" in Karofsky's head, wheeled back behind Kurt, afraid of any forthcoming conflict. Kurt's other friend, that ex-Cheerio black girl, stood her ground, ready to help her friend.

Kurt took a glance at his retreating friend and twisted his face in disgust as he looked at Karofsky right in his eyes. Their stares were so engaged, you'd think one of their heads would suddenly explode from the sheer tension.

"Look at what you are reduced to; Instead of being able to ask me like a regular person you have to threaten me with your fists? Don't you have a brain in that little know-nothing head of yours?" Kurt asked, defending himself. "You act like you're nothing but a troglodyte."

A what? Karofsky shook his head in bewilderment. Was that an insult? He was almost certain he'd heard that word before. In Science class, maybe? Those pointy rocks in caves? … No, that wasn't it.

"I don't know what a 'tragaladyte' or whatever is, but you better watch your mouth, Hummel." Karofsky slammed his hand against the locker once more making sure to leave at least a little bit of fear in Kurt's eyes.

But there was nothing.

Maybe a little shock from the loud noise the lockers created when they were slammed upon, but there was not an ounce of fear in Kurt's eyes. The wheelchair kid and black girl both had eyes full of fear, but not Kurt.

Instead, all Karofsky saw was that same look of disgust he had for himself not five minutes ago in the boys' bathroom.

_I'm such a damn fag that even Homo Hummel thinks I'm disgusting!_

Karofsky grabbed Kurt by the collar of his shirt, threatening him even further. "Don't make me hurt you," he began, stretching out his words for effect.

Kurt just pushed Karofsky off of him forcefully, laughing bitterly. "I said it once and I'll say it again, Karofsky. You can't punch the gay out of me anymore than I can punch the ignoramus out of you."

The repeated sentence sent Karofsky into a flashback-phase where he remembered the little encounter he had with Kurt earlier in the day. Those feelings came rushing back and he could feel his face turning red. Maybe people would think it was turning red from anger, not embarrassment.

Karofsky balled his hand into a large fist and gave Kurt a swift left hook to the face. Upon contact, Kurt was immediately propelled towards the lockers and ricocheted onto the floor.

"Kurt! Are you alright?" the wheelchair kid called out. Kurt's other friend as well as some recognizable Cheerios who were also in the Glee club came to his aid. They had been conveniently standing in the same hallway and jumped right into action. Kurt was gay and had friends, but he got beat up every day. Karofsky was sure that if he were gay, he would be in Kurt's shoes and would get beat up every day, too. The only difference was Karofsky didn't have any real friends.

Karofsky immediately regretted what he had done, but inside he knew it was better this way. He couldn't be gay. He just couldn't.

And he couldn't be nice to the town fag; That would make him a fag-by-association or something like that. Karofsky hid his true feelings behind a sleazy smile and pointed a bloody finger towards Kurt.

"These aren't empty threats, Hummel. I  _will_   _not_  hold back." Karofsky looked around and saw all the students murmuring amongst themselves of the actions that took place before their eyes. Karofsky scanned the hallways and saw the fear in everyone's eyes. They were afraid of him as well. He was a mean, gay-hating, homo-beating football player. And he was definitely  _not_  gay.

Because after all, it was always better to be feared and respected than loved or adored.

…  _Right?_

 


End file.
